Things Could Be Worse

sideburnpower asked: Mr. Benjamin Dewey -- What a delight! I am transported by mingled feelings of sorrow and joy by the mere action of reading through your illustrations both moral and instructive. I found myself most sympathetic to the plight of the gentleman in Tragedy # 312; there is a kinship between myself and he, as I grow my facial hair in the style of President Martin van Burin, and thus my sideburns have been known to frighten small animals. Have you any recommendations to overcome this? -- C. Douglas

Dear sir,

Your words have warmed the slate-gray, windowless chamber where my heart resides in a state of perpetual winter. I understand that quarrelsome dichotomy of entwined emotions. My series is an attempt to ameliorate genuine efforts which might bridge that schism betwixt the two with the palliative powers of humorous images, thereby preventing unnecessary duplication of folly that oft’ descends into dread peril, or worse.

When it comes to the conflicts which may arise when you leave the tonsorial parlor for the lonely roads through a yellow wood which remain grassy and want for wear, you ought not conflate the scattering of fauna, into the foliage, with a purely negative response to physiognomic features your share with the 8th American President. 

Creatures that would scurry into the underbrush, yielding to the whims of their basal ganglia, rather than bask in the radiance of your robust whiskers, reflect their unworthiness and unsophisticated grasp of what modernity has wrought regarding man’s aesthetic options in pogonotrophy. Do not be troubled, I say. Hold you head high and walk proudly, twirling your tightly furled umbrella with a flourish, amongst the beasts and their bucolic facade; it masks a deep envy that nests in a delicately woven mesh if begrudging respect. It is likely that they tremble in awe as you pass and, if you have the inclination to do so, you might listen for the tremors of their tiny frames and take joy in the affirmation it brings.

Most Sincerely,

BD